Russias new movie superhero: a bear called Arsus that looks like Putin

To the dawn of a new arms race, as Russia begins stockpiling its own superhero movies. While American audiences have learned to stop worrying and love the superhero franchise instalments that are shat weekly into their multiplexes by the comic-book industrial complex, Russian audiences have lacked for similar buildup.

That now looks to be changing, with the emergence of a trailer for something called Guardians. Traditionally, the west would have been alerted to this sort of thing by an emergency presentation to the UN security council, but – rather more prosaically – the Guardians teaser seems to have found its way on to YouTube.

Still, do not underestimate its threat to the world’s other superhero superpower. Guardians must absolutely not be viewed as an amusingly ersatz X-Men. In fact, having viewed the trailer several times, I can already say with certainty that it will be my favourite superhero movie of 2017.

Favourite mutant? I’m obviously big on the guy who appears to have a rejected Sochi stadium design on his back. But without doubt, the standout has to be the bare-chested muscleman with the bear’s head, who resembles an impenetrable Victorian cartoon about Russia joining the gold standard. His name is Arsus. I can’t wait to hear his origin story, and very much hope there’s eventually going to be a breakout Wolverine-style picture that explores it in full. My feeling is that his mutation was down to a classic atomic‑age lab accident. Was he perhaps just an ordinary judo-loving KGB officer who accidentally swallowed a radioactive bearskin rug hair while shagging Miss Universe on one as part of a government programme to breed a master race? Or something?

The only sadness, all told, is that there is no role for Lost in Showbiz untouchable Steven Seagal. I know that these days Seagal can only be filmed from the chest up and in almost total darkness – indeed, I know my beloved Buddhist tulku is very busy with his Putin-gifted role as an ambassador for the Russian arms industry. But could he not have played the Professor Xavier to all these gifted youngsters? Perhaps Guardians 2 – already greenlit – could remedy this oversight.

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